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Why the pensive mood today?

In my counselling journey, I get to see gender inequality at home hindering children’s growth very often. The connection between the future success of our children and the home environment + parenting styles we used as parents is very strong. A lot of work I do and global research confirms the connection. But the role of grandparents in this journey of who our children become isn’t well documented. In this article today, I am going to focus on grand parenting and how with the love being passed on to the next generation, there is a passing on of some stereotypes and prejudices too.

Child Development experts point out often how critical first 1000 days are of baby’s life. A lot of talk around physical health is centred around grand parents extending a hand of help and support. The love and wisdom wards of physical and nutritional complications through “gharule nuskhe” and well meaning intentions of grand parents ( specifically of grand mothers ). Grandparents play a significant role in a child’s life by being a provider of love, support and wisdom to their children and grandchildren.The support often comes in being an emotional anchor, helping with financial and household responsibilities . Additionally, In India we rely heavily on grandparents and treat them as a trusted source of information in the initial growing up years of our children. Grandparents are also wise historians who protect family traditions and a source of expert parenting advice. But there is another side to this , which plays out in home environments too. That is the crucial role of carrying the generational patterns and stereotypes that grandparents sometimes unknowingly pass on to their children and grandchildren. One of which I am focusing today is Gendered Grand Parenting.

So what is Gendered Grand parenting?

Gendered Grand Parenting refers to gender unequal parenting style which include parental messages and behaviours that convey information about how daughters and sons are supposed to behave, function and live in our homes and our society. In Indian homes grandparents have a big say in family dynamics. Grand Parent’s outlook whether it is of open mindedness or is clouded with stereotypical gender discrimination narrative they have grownup with….both have a huge impact on our children’s lives.

“ Don’t let her be out too long, she is a girl”.

“ Hey you are a boy, don’t cry , Mard ko dard nahin hota”.

“ Girls should start helping in household chores, or else how will they handle their own homes when they get married.
“ Boys will be boys and are supposed to be naughty”

“ Boys need to be strong , their place is not in the kitchen”

“ Go help mom lay the table, get water for your brother”

“ My favourite is my grand son”

“ Girls have to go to another house and light somebody else’s home.

“My grandson is the apple of my eyes”

“ I am gifting gold on my grand daughter’s birthday, it will help collecting for giving away on her marriage”

The above instances and words we can all hear ringing in our ears and many of us would have been at the receiving end sometime in our lives as children. And beyond the gendered language , we also relate to some actions that speak louder than words… Some grandparents have grandsons over grand daughters, domestic labour inequality and lack of fairness in meting out punishments or scoldings to boys and girls.

It is important to understand where is there unfairness or discrimination coming from. When grandparents raised their children, men dominated the world and society then. In those times the fathers always had the final say over everything. Todays grandparents lived in a world where gender roles and gender socialisation ruled the domestic world of most people. Grandmothers stayed at home, served their husbands, and took care of all the household activities and grandfathers went out to provide for the family. But things have changed since then and grandparents are changing but still need time to change enough to be able to advocate that men and women should be treated equally and share household responsibilities. I feel a lot of work is required to be done to help grandparents come out of their own prejudices and shun the stereotypes and change to raise their grand children without discrimination.

This article is a start of awareness of the work needed in bringing a change in stereotypical grand parenting and taking it towards Gender Equal Grand Parenting.